Saturday, January 19, 2013

My Mouth Strikes Again:(

I've done it again.
My big, mean, uncontrolled mouth, let loose again,
as always, aimed at the person I love most.
I hate when this happens. I really really hate it.
I want to kill it, destroy it so that it never returns.
I say the most hurtful things out of anger sometimes.
It happened pretty often at the beginning of our marriage; I would get mad during an argument (we like to call it "intense fellowship":)) and my mouth would just fly off the handle. I always regretted it, and would often go to bed crying, even after all was resolved and words forgiven. I just hated this part of me so much!
After two and a half years married, I can definitely say it happens a lot less often, but when it comes, it's still just as nasty.
It comes with no warning, like a train wreck out of no where.
To make matters worse, Brad never, ever retaliates with harsh words or anger whatsoever.
This infuriates me even more sometimes, but in reality, if he did retaliate, it would be a lot worse.
More words spoken on both ends and it wouldn't be pretty.
It's in these situations that come up every few months that I see Christ in him so clearly.
He takes whatever comes at him and refuses to fight. He's calm and dignified,
and then takes the lead in mending things.
I'm not aloud to go to bed angry, or even move on to whatever I need/want to be doing until we have fixed things. Completely fixed, as in forgiven and we're laughing together again. It's always frustrating in the moment...I deal with things by shutting down, which isn't really dealing with them.
I like to avoid conflict or end it abruptly so as not to have to deal with it further.
It's uncomfortable for me. But he forces me out of my comfort zone every single time, and it's making me grow, as a wife, as a person. And I'm always grateful afterwards, because really, I would let the whole day be ruined, but the way things turn out by doing it Brad's way, we can move on with our day with a fresh start, and it's over and resolved in love.
Now why, oh why can't I get control over my mouth!!!!
I guess it's like being a Christian.
If we're truly living for Christ, each year, we should be able to look back over the previous year and see a noticeable difference in our growth in him.
For me, I'm still not near satisfied with where I am as far as my mouth goes (which is, at it's root, a heart issue), but looking over the past year, I've grown.
I'm not saying I'm proud of where I am or that I only let my mouth run wild every few months;
I won't be satisfied until I have self-control in this area and am able to possess the fruits of the spirit (especially patience, gentleness, kindness and self-control) in the midst of a disagreement.
I will not use the excuse that 'bad temper runs in the family and I can't help the way I act'. That's lame.
There is no excuse, but there is the power of prayer, and I know God will help me!
Thank God for that, and for a patient, forgiving husband:)
Today I'm thankful for a new day, a new start, and lovely temperatures (meaning upper 30's) so that we can get outside! I really believe we do so much better as a couple when we aren't all cooped up inside!
We're going for a walk!
Here's to a long weekend!

2 comments:

  1. I'm a new reader and knew I had to comment on this post! I know exactly how you feel regarding having a mouth you sometimes just cannot control. Such an awesome post, thanks for sharing...it helps those of us that truly try to be Christ-like, yet falter in how we speak to our spouses at times, feel that we aren't alone.

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    1. I really hesitated when it came time to actually publish this post, but if it encouraged one person, I'm glad I swallowed my pride and showed an ugly part of myself!

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