Monday, March 18, 2013

His Way, Not Mine

Monday morning.
I know I've said it before, but I do love Mondays.
Monday gets a bad rap.
Most people don't have anything nice to say about it, but as I've said before, it's a fresh start.
A new week.
Whatever went wrong or was hard last week is over; we get to try again.
We can do better this week.
(I'm not a total weirdo...I definitely enjoy the weekend most of all. Just sayin', Monday's not such a bad day of the week!)

Today, and the past few days, I got an early start.
Lily has moved her wake up time a full hour and a half earlier.
She starts fussing around 4:45, and I can put her pacifier in and snooze for fifteen minutes or so, but by 5, she's ready to be UP.
So 5 it is.
I have no complaints...she sleeps through the night, and getting up at 5 isn't so bad.
It's more time in the morning with just me and God and my little one (who is 4 months old today!) in my lap.
The house is totally quiet.
It's still dark and I get to watch the sun come up.
My mind is focused (after a few sips of coffee) and I just talk to God and listen and worship.
It's a sweet time and such a perfect start to the day.

I so needed that time with God this morning in particular.
This weekend was hard.
I cried. A lot.
And with out necessarily acknowledging it consciously, I think I was upset with God.
I know, I don't have that right.
I mean, God is God, who always knows best, who does things His way for a reason, and who am I to question him?
He said 'no' on a rather big issue, and frankly, I was upset about it. I thought he was going to say 'yes'.
Yes, I'm a brat sometimes. No, I'm not proud of it.

As I often do, I'll skip the details and go for principle instead here.

Long story short, there was a pretty big, life changing issue on the table in our house for the past month.
Actually for the last year really, but it was decision making time, so we had really been in prayer for the past month.
I prayed and prayed last week for Brad to have wisdom and clarity in making this decision.
For God to lead him, and for me to be able to trust my husband whatever he decided.
Here's the honest ugly truth: I assumed things would go how I hoped.
When they didn't, I had a hard time.
I wasn't angry with anyone, just more disappointed than I realized I would be.
There were lots of tears on and off.
A cloud all around me.
God didn't say 'no', he said 'wait', and that was hard for me.
But I have peace, now.

I truly desire God's best for my life; for our life together as a couple and as a family.
And if I really believe that God's ways are higher than mine, than I have to be okay with whatever road he chooses to put me on.
His way, not mine.
His timing, not mine.
Even when it makes no sense.
Even when it means difficulty or hardship.
And I take heart, because I know that trials are a test of my faith, which produces perseverance, which produces maturity and completeness (James 1)...and I want that!
I know my struggles are nothing compared with other peoples' struggles, but none the less, struggles they are.
 I know God is working on me in so many ways...
some are obvious to me,
others, I'm not so sure.

And so this Monday morning, I had a heart to heart with God.
Was honest about how I had been feeling all weekend (as if he didn't know already).
And I read in Isaiah 45, two things that I will leave you with...maybe these passages will speak to you wherever you are right now.
I won't say how they spoke to me because that won't leave room for Him to speak to you...

Isaiah 45:2-3
"I will go before you and will level the mountains;
I will break down gates of bronze and cut through bars of iron.
I will give you hidden treasures,
riches stored in secret places,
so that you may know that I am the Lord, 
the God of Israel, who summons you by name."

Isaiah 45:9
"...does the clay say to the potter,
'What are you making?' "

Enjoy your Monday:)

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