Every once in awhile, I write a long post and save it but never actually publish it.
For some reason unknown to me, I just won't have peace about putting it out there for anyone to read.
Yesterday I did that.
I wrote and wrote and wrote everything on my heart, but never hit 'publish'.
And I am so glad I didn't!
It was one of those posts that I would have looked back on the very next day and realized, how foolish!
But just writing things for myself is beneficial sometimes...it helps me work through things in my mind.
Anyway, let me just tell a little bit about the past few weeks, and what I started to write about yesterday, and why I'm glad I didn't!
Every so often, I pick up a book to read, and it totally changes my heart, my ambitions, my everything.
The two that have done this so far have been
Interrupted by Jen Hatmaker and
Same Kind of Different As Me by Ron Hall and Denver Moore.
And recently I have a third to add to that list.
The past few weeks, I've been reading
Crazy Love by Francis Chan.
It lit a fresh, new fire in me that had been laying dormant, as maybe tends to happen when all your time is spent being pregnant and having babies, as has been the case for me for the past two years.
In the midst of reading Crazy Love, I started praying over a dream of mine that I've had on and off for years now, and the Lord started to make my vision so much larger than I had ever imagined.
Impossible seeming, except I am not afraid to step out in faith beginning the journey to get there, because I know that if it truly is God's will, then nothing can stop it from succeeding.
Let me say, the past three weeks have been nothing but productive for me.
I realized how much I could get done while spending hours on the couch feeding Lily and while the girls nap, and I've just had the mentality that every day matters. We are never guaranteed so much as another breath, and I want to live each day as if it were my last.
I had been putting ideas to paper, contacting people who are already doing things similar to what I envision, researching business plans/non-profit procedures, etc.
I will never say I'm the best mom, but even in that area, I had been more prayerful than ever, and just felt like things around the home were right where they're supposed to be.
All that to lead up to the next part...
The devil attacks us when we are in the midst of doing.
His attacks come when we are most active in seeking God's will and when we are being most obedient to God, when every ounce of us is dedicated to fulfilling the call on our lives.
He doesn't want the kingdom of God to be advanced,
and when we are truly hearing from God and setting out on tasks for Him,
we can expect to receive attacks and we have to be prepared for battle, not fearful, but confident that with Christ,
Let's just say I wasn't prepared for battle.
At the peak of my determination to live each day to the fullest,
suddenly I became sad and unmotivated and exhausted. My winter blues hit me like a ton of bricks.
Health issues started piling up, which is kind of a double whammy when you consider the medical bills that come along side it.
The girls were crabbier than ever and days became long and depleting.
Tuesday I broke down crying several times. Yesterday I started writing about it, but never posted it.
And then last night, I got to go to the gym (which is rare these days) and as I was running on the elliptical, I started praying, and almost immediately, the Lord showed me that I was under attack and that I had better start fighting!
And so I did. Right there.
I closed my eyes right there on the machine and started singing praise songs in my head, even songs from high school youth group came into my head,
about satan being under my feet. (what a great picture that is!)
I felt a tremendous release; all the weight I'd been under and the cloud that had enveloped me for the past week lifted.
No, my health issues didn't just go away, the day was still grey (although today is lovely!), my girls were still crabby...but my joy came back because ultimately my joy is in the Lord.
I think of the song lyrics...
"On Christ the solid rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand."
So true, and if we don't genuinely believe this and hold firm to it, then life will be pretty hopeless.
Sometimes I forget and start wallowing in the negative things around me, but thankfully, God gently reminds me of where my joy comes from and pulls me out of my 'cloud', if only I allow him.
I'm so thankful that he's so patient with me!
If he weren't patient, he would've given up a loooong time ago!!!