Tuesday, April 1, 2014

My Achy Flakey Heart

If you weren't a cool kid and never listened to Billy Ray Cirus, you don't get the title. But if you were cool like me (joke), you obsessed over his hot mullet and knew every word of Achy Breaky Heart. And if you were super extra cool like I was, you may or may not have had a giant poster of Billy Ray that you sometimes kissed goodnight before bed. I'm not saying I did that...

Isn't he just dreamy? I mean, to a pre-teen in the 80's? Seriously. I was in love.
Okay moving on, awkwardly.

Our life seems up in the air right now. So many unknowns...
Brad has applied for teaching licenses in TN and SC and has/is applying for school districts.
This is what I wanted...most of the time anyway. My heart has been torn and tormented most of my life between MT and TN...or at least being somewhere close to either of those places. When I've lived in MT, my heart has ached for TN and the grandparents, aunts and uncles, and cousins I was far away from; When I've lived in TN, I ache for the familiarity of MT...my parents and siblings, the dairy I grew up on and the family there, the majestic mountains and the big sky with endlessly changing sunrises and sunsets that prove the existence of the most infinitely creative and awesome God.

Because of my ever shifting desire to be near one place or another, I've been thought of as a flake. Someone who can never be happy. It's not either of those, though. I am ridiculously happy both places, although winter in MT has proved to get harder and harder for me to get through the older I get. Since I was a little girl, I remember every time I had to say good bye to family on one side of the country as I headed to the other side, so very far away, I would weep and my heart would hurt so bad. Not just as we said good bye, but for days! I am able to keep the tears locked away inside as an adult (usually), but my heart still aches. It is what it is, and flakey or not, I truly love both places and all of my family and I wish we were neighboring states. But we aren't. And here I stand, this time with a husband and two kids, at a crossroads once again. Will we stay in MT, or will we head back south? And I've placed it in God's hands with my mouth, but not with my heart. My mouth says, "Wherever He wants us to go is where we want to go...Lord, open a door to the south or keep it closed if you want us to stay here."

But then there is my fickle, fickle heart. Here is what my heart says:
I want to be somewhere warm.
I want our kids to grow up with diversity.
I want to live somewhere where we can take day trips to the beach, to see family, to the mountains, to the city, to this and that (this is the draw to SC...centrality to so much!)
I want to be close to my parents and have the girls close to them.
I love MT...in the summer and fall!
MT is 'safe'.
I don't want to leave the friends I've made here...what if I don't make such wonderful friends elsewhere?
What if we don't find a church that lets us use our gifts to the extent that our church here does?
Brad wants to teach at an inner city school and I want to do inner city ministry with the homeless.
Somedays I want to live in the city...
Other days I want to live in the country where we can have a giant garden, some chickens, and have a nice, big back yard where the girls can play.
Somedays, I want to trust God and let him use us...
Other days, I want safety and security.

See a pattern? 'I want I want I want I want....." And my wants change and can't be trusted. My heart is fickle. What my deepest, most real desire is, is to please God; to go wherever He sees fit. Wherever it is that we will be used by him the most. I believe He is sovereign and has a plan so enormous for all of his children's lives. But that plan can only reach full potential when we stop following our shaky hearts and choose to follow HIM. I don't want to be out of His will. My greatest fear is to get to Heaven one day and have Him say to me, "Well done...but I had so much more for you!"

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Saviour

This song rings in my mind often lately. Somedays I sing it and mean it. Other days, I sing it and the words shake me to the core. I fear. I don't trust. I want to be in control. But my prayer is that I would place my complete trust in Him...not just in writing or with my mouth...but that my heart would follow. That I would lay aside my aspirations, my wants--selfish or unselfish as they may be--and whole heartedly say, "Lord, where ever you want us to go and what ever you want us to do...HERE WE ARE. USE US." As my friend said this morning as she spoke at a MOPS meeting..."Our minds are bipolar..." Meaning one moment, we are all in; the next moment, we're obsessing over stuff that has no meaning or importance whatsoever. It isn't enough to say you follow your heart. It isn't enough to say you are wise and experienced enough to follow your mind. Both will lie to you. We must follow God if we want to truly live the life he has for us. Lord, lead us wherever you would call us...

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