Wednesday, July 30, 2014

Surviving

Survival.
It's a word that conjures up images of being stranded on a deserted island, or caught in a snow storm while attempting Mount Everest, or being stuck in a bunch of other unforeseen less than ideal circumstances. Or, being 11 weeks pregnant.
Yeah I said it. I just compared being pregnant to being caught in a storm on Everest. Whatever.
Honestly, it's the word that keeps me from doing stupid things lately...
Don't take everything out of the pantry to organize it! It can stand to be a disaster for another couple of weeks for Heaven's sake! No Crystal, you don't need to go in the basement and haul up the trunks of the girls' clothes to sort out things that do and don't currently fit them. It too, can wait a few weeks.
And stop, don't look at that mouth watering gourmet recipe that will inevitably take 2 and a half hours to make! Just throw the bag of salad in a bowl and pop the leftovers in the micro and call it good! 
Just survive! Life WILL go back to normal shortly.
Honestly, this (my third pregnancy) is the hardest one yet. As far as being sick and tired all. the. time.
(Thankfully my back is holding up nicely this time!)
And I have found myself repeatedly sinking down the tunnel of feeling guilty and weak and lame.
Guilty that I'm not doing normal tasks that keep the house running (e.g. meal planning, grocery shopping, putting laundry away, getting out of bed, you know, the essentials)
Weak, as if I should be able to pull myself together and suck it up and pretend I'm fine.
Lame, as if I'm the only one who's ever done this crappy of a job at life during her first trimester.
And honestly? I so want to be the girl who never skips a beat and just keeps going like the energizer bunny. Who powers through the nausea and somehow manages to stay alert instead of seeming to have a temporary case of narcolepsy. And who eats super healthy instead of giving in to every craving that comes her way. Ah, but life is not as such for me. Not this time. And it is humbling. 
Thank goodness for friends. Real, true blue friends, who are there, not to say "Suck it up!" or "You'll be fine", but who say "Girl I understand.  I've been there." Girls who share their lowest moments and make me feel not so lame after all. And I realized...
I don't need to be superwoman. I don't even need to put on make up every day, or cook dinner every night. It's a season, and a short one at that (even though it feels like the longest ten weeks of my life).
It will pass, and guess what? Our household is getting along just fine.
Brad made a grocery list and we shopped together (okay I mostly whined of how hungry I was and threw a bunch of unnecessary things into the cart), and he's really good at doing, well, everything. I learned that the girls in fact will not die from eating dry cereal and raisins for breakfast as well as snacks every once in awhile everyday. And the garden is still producing it's bounty even though there are some weeds I haven't bothered with. Life goes on.
This too, shall pass. 
So, to my girlfriends who have shared stories of crying themselves to sleep because they were so dreading the coming day; who had to drop their kid's off at their in laws every single day because they couldn't take care of them in the midst of their severe nausea; who moved all the cereal to the bottom shelf so that her four-year-old could get up and get breakfast by herself while mommy slept; who got depressed because she thought she was truly a lazy, mean, uncaring, unmotivated individual and would never get back to who she 'used to be'; who lashed out at her husband and kids; who didn't get out of sweats for two months straight.
I love you all. I am encouraged to know I'm not the only one who has semi fallen apart during pregnancy. I love the honesty and I truly believe this is what true friendship looks like.
It is being honest with each other, sharing struggles and not just the Instagram-picture-perfect moments of our lives with each other. Having fun and celebrating together, relaxing over coffee together, AND bearing each others burdens; often done simply by sharing the un-pretty parts of our life.
My pantry can wait.
The girls closets might be overcrowded with stuff that's too small.
We might eat frozen meals/eat out too many times this week.
And I might take four naps today. Or maybe just three.
I'm just surviving. And I'm okay with that.
What is important is that there's a healthy baby growing, and that makes all of this worth it.
SO worth it, every minute.
I'll be back to real life soon.
Feels like forever.

I would love to be really real right now and show you a picture of my bedroom and the piles of clean laundry and maternity clothes I haven't dealt with; or my dirty bathroom; or my hideous outfit and hair.
But that would require me finding my phone and walking back up the stairs to take pictures. And that just sounds like a lot of work for something you probably don't want to see anyway.
So I leave a post with no pictures...bo-ring!

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